Commitment issues

[jducoeur]

Pardon a moment of introspection, which may be helpful to folks trying to figure out where my head's at. This one's been teasing around at the edge of my consciousness for a few weeks, but I finally figured it out during a conversation this morning.

The first thing you have to keep in mind is that I'm a fair bit more broken right now than I probably look. I'm putting on a good front, and truth to tell I'm okay most of the time. Knock on wood, I seem to be largely avoiding depression, and life is toddling along. But there's a lot of broken glass in my head, and I'm still figuring out where the sharp edges are.

The one I finally puzzled out this morning is that I've gotten *enormously* commitment-phobic. I'm having fun socializing with folks (very heavily), but it's almost entirely spontaneous -- even a hint of having to commit to something sends me skittering away. (Probably closely related is that I've gotten almost entirely *reactive* in my social life: I'm accepting lots of invitations, but extending very few.) My reaction to commitments on a timescale longer than a few days is surprisingly visceral, almost fight-or-flight: just an incredibly strong "don't wanna".

It's not entirely clear where this is coming from. Some of it may be that real commitments come from the grown-up part of my brain, and that part is still quite deeply in shock. Maybe even more strongly, I'm simply out of the habit: after much of a year of living almost entirely reactively, juggling crisis after crisis of ever-growing proportions, I'm just out of practice in stepping back and making plans. And some is likely just plain emotional trauma -- a few too many instances in recent years of my plans and expectations ending in ash, making me just plain gun-shy about expecting *anything*.

(Side-note: curiously, this doesn't seem to be affecting work at all -- it's just in my personal life. Far as I can tell, the mental disciplines I've spent years building up at work are standing me in good stead. The difference seems to be that my ego is largely decoupled from work, quite intentionally: I've concluded over the years that part of being a truly *great* engineer is getting your ego the hell out of your code. As a result, work seems to occupy the same mental space as a game for me: a big, important, high-stakes game that I want to win, but a game nonetheless. And the result is that all the planning comes from the engineering side of my brain, not the personal side. I hadn't actually realized that I'd compartmentalized quite that effectively.)

Anyway, this shouldn't be over-interpreted, and I believe I'll eventually get over it: that's part of the deliberate project of rebuilding my head over the next 4-6 months. Indeed, the Movie Night concept is semi-intentional mental judo on myself: trying to assemble a very *small*, limited project that is likely to work and be fun, which makes a good stepping-stone towards learning how to plan my life again. But for now, please don't be surprised if I appear strangely reticent about planning: I'm continually having to force myself over mental hurdles in order to do so...

Comments

[kls-eloise.livejournal.com]

I think that it's similar to my current apparent inability to rejoice at good happenings, albeit on a more global scale in your case. We've been slammed to our knees *so many times* over the last decade and a half that my learned response to good news - like Bob finally getting a job - is to look for the other shoe that is obviously about to drop. Something good happens and it makes me happy for a moment and then I flinch. Because Good Things don't happen to us.

I expect we'll grow out of it in time. Realizing where the response is coming from is a large part of it.

[rickthefightguy.livejournal.com]

Hey there. If you spontaneously decide to hop on a plane or train to Chicago, give me a call on your way. We'll show you a good time, play some games, see some theatre, eat some food.

No pressure, of course - but you are always welcome!

[jducoeur]

Thanks. It's been so many years since I was last *able* to do something quite so preposterously spontaneous that it's hard to wrap my head around, but the idea is intriguing, even refreshing. I'll keep the offer in mind...

[hfcougar.livejournal.com]

FTR, while you're being spontaneous, I don't recommend going from Boston to Philadelphia and back in the span of 30 hours, especially not on Greyhound.

Just think of all the stupid things you can do now that you never wanted to do! :p

[ariannawyn.livejournal.com]

I understand. At that point in my experience, I didn't commit to too much in advance socially because I never knew whether my emotional state would allow me to behave appropriately. Putting on the "I'm ok" mask worked most but not all of the time, and occasionally the mask would slip when someone pressed me a little harder than pleasantries as to how I was doing. Waiting to figure out whether today is a good day or a bad day before deciding to be social is an entirely reasonable thing.

[jducoeur]

It's actually curiously different in my case. The issue isn't anything so conscious as worrying about whether I'll be having a good or bad day -- it's the *idea* of planning, all by itself, that is causing the visceral response. For an old used Pelican, that's quite weird (and is why it took so long for me to twig to it), but the aversion to planning is clearly lurking there in the back of my head...

[ariannawyn.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Maybe it's more about the responsible adult thing. I don't know. Everyone grieves differently, but it's always a little weird and frequently at least somewhat dysfunctional in some way. As long as it's not causing you problems, go ahead and ride with it and don't worry too much.

BTW, the broken glass analogy is interesting. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but it makes sense.

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

I realise that it isn't even the same level, but the emotional disconnect with making plans makes sense to me. I still have resistance to the idea of planning around Christmas - the connection of the event & Dad is still very strong. You did things with your lady - she was the glue that made making plans make sense. She's no longer there, there's a hind-brain response saying "don't do it".

I could be wildly off, but it makes sense to me.

[jducoeur]

Hmm; possible. Feeling around the edges, I don't think that's the only thing going on, but I could believe that that's an element of it. This new freedom in my life is strange and unaccustomed, and may be feeding an element of confusion in...

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

I'd be surprised if it was the only element going on - just a pov from someone who does care and wishes she was closer to be able to do anything actually useful other than spout off on the internet...

(And now, for my next trick, I'll balance the Internet and make it a happy place for unicorns)

[hfcougar.livejournal.com]

My drive-by, garden variety analysis is pretty simplistic - you experienced a huge shock that was directly related to virtually all plans you might have had for your future. Small, medium, or otherwise. However, just because it sounds painfully obvious doesn't mean it's any easier to shake off. Sometimes the things that seem so large and so obvious that even to speak to them sounds dumb, are the things that can be most insidious into the tiniest places.

[russkay.livejournal.com]

I hear the confusion and it reminds me, to a small extent, of my own feelings and journey that began with Harriet's death six years ago. Yes, on the surface I was dealing with life and the things I had to do, but underneath was a very different story. I spent the better part of six months just wandering and drifting ... no plans, no dreams, no ambitions, no far horizons, no expectations. Truth be told, I really didn't care about much of anything, though I tried to present a braver face to the world. Two things saved me -- some wonderful friends who wouldn't let me isolate myself from the world, and a little bit of inner knowledge (?) that if I just kept on putting one foot in front of the other, eventually things would get and feel better. And eventually, they do. But you will never forget her, and your life will always be defined by the part Jane played.

[jenwrites.livejournal.com]

I get it. To an extent, I'm there too. I've spent the past several months waiting for phone calls and not scheduling anything that I might need to cancel. It's so hard to acknowledge that I've already gotten all the phone calls I'm going to get, and that I can schedule something in April if I want to without worrying about having to cancel. Crisis brain rewiring is very hard to undo. Don't be too hard on yourself as you try to get your wiring back to non-crisis mode.

[jducoeur]

Thanks, and same to you...

[baron-steffan.livejournal.com]

I'm encouraged that you've got a grip on your own mental processes. I was confident that you would have. I think it's the engineer side, being able to perceive the gears at work, to be able to look at yourself from outside. That's valuable, and, I think, rare. I think it's serving you well.

[jducoeur]

It's an INTP survival trait. My understanding of the people around me is a bit analytical -- while I don't entirely lack the instinct for people, my intuitive understanding of social mechanisms is a tad weak, so I have to make up the gaps intellectually. And I've been applying that same analytical approach to my own head for the better part of 30 years -- not always successfully, but I usually have a pretty good semi-objective grasp of how I tick.

(I sometimes think of it as getting my ego out of my ego. It can be fun in a mind-warping kind of way, and fits extremely well with my increasingly Buddhist outlook on things...)

[the-resa.livejournal.com]

Just a quick hug to let you know you're in our thoughts.

[jducoeur]

Thanks. (And may I say, BTW, that I'm quite looking forward to the new Darklight stuff? That first issue, a zillion years ago, left me immensely curious, and I'm quite delighted at the idea of seeing it go somewhere...)

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

Sounds familiar.

Given what I am going through now, I project upon you my issues: perhaps you spent so much time planning and performing logistical stuff, that fun, for now, is not-planning.

I've never had the chance: but you might sign up for Tweets or emails from travel sources. A lot publish on Tuesday, for discount travel over the following weekend. Not exactly social, but at least spontaneous.

[jducoeur]

Entirely possible -- it wouldn't surprise me if I'm just plain burned out on planning as a concept.

The travel thing is interesting, and I'm going to stick that in the back of my head. Traveling by myself is *totally* alien as a concept, and there are objective reasons why it may be problematic; I need to decide whether I can make it work. (Basically, I'm really bad at striking up good conversation with strangers unless I have a well-defined context. I need to figure out whether I can overcome that.)

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

Read Linda Ellerbee's most recent auto-biography.

Never has "travel alone" and "time alone" sounded more enticing to me than when she talks about it.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

What does travel have to do with strangers? You're SCAdian, fannish, and a Mason; don't you have friends *everywhere*?

Traveling alone

[andrea habura (from livejournal.com)]

Don't let that stop you. I'm a fellow INTP and similarly reserved, but I have come to love traveling alone to places I don't know. For me, the trick is to be open to encounter but not to specifically seek it out. I spend most of my day solo, but deliberately put myself in places where conversation might happen naturally at regular intervals throughout the day. If you're eating, eat at the bar/counter; people are more social there. Drift into a tour group at a museum. If a comment comes to you, make it, and notice who smiles. Encounters will happen.

Resist the urge to pull out reading material. I had a very interesting conversation about ontology with a Swiss mathematics grad student while sitting at a picnic bench in Christchurch, NZ: the conversation started with a seagull and a plate of French fries. Wouldn't have happened if I had my nose in of a book. :)