No, no, that's just it: I'm not focusing on *anything* right now. If I was focused on a few things and neglecting others, that would be fairly normal, frankly. But I seem to be in avoidance mode for everything at the moment. I'm getting a lot of comics read, but that's about the most productive I can say I'm being. Indeed, I seem to have just as much aversion to the things that I can honestly say I enjoy as to the chores -- actually, moreso.
There's just a touch of depression involved (heaven knows it's been a messy year for me and mine), but that doesn't seem to be at the root of it -- it's there around the edges, but I know what serious depression feels like, and this ain't it. It might even be more symptom than cause: not managing to *accomplish* things is hard on the self-image.
What seems consistent is that I keep bouncing off my projects: I make some progress, and really enjoy them for a *little* while, and then the aversion response kicks in, distracting me onto -- well, usually nothing terribly useful. (See: lots of comics read.)
I suspect there's something deeper-seated going on here -- I'm fairly sure of *what* is going on, but not precisely *why*. There are several plausible theories that I'm finding here -- none terribly rational, but I don't think I'm dealing with a rational response in this case. When I poke at the back of my head, I'm finding a certain sense that I'm *supposed* to be running away from all of the stress in my life; that may well be a holdover from the *serious* depression I dealt with last year, which I'm mostly but not 100% past. And I think there's some fear of getting things done properly, and thereby opening myself up to fair criticism of the problems with those things -- if everything is *really* messed up due to procrastination, then that effect can be blamed for any problems. (Both of those hypotheses might be rubbish, but they feel annoyingly plausible when I try to shine a spotlight down on my subconscious.)
Much to ruminate on. Slacking off is *not* the solution; frankly, it's the problem here. I'm doing quite a good job of slacking, and it's hurting my self-esteem. Time to do something about that...
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Date: 2006-10-01 04:08 am (UTC)There's just a touch of depression involved (heaven knows it's been a messy year for me and mine), but that doesn't seem to be at the root of it -- it's there around the edges, but I know what serious depression feels like, and this ain't it. It might even be more symptom than cause: not managing to *accomplish* things is hard on the self-image.
What seems consistent is that I keep bouncing off my projects: I make some progress, and really enjoy them for a *little* while, and then the aversion response kicks in, distracting me onto -- well, usually nothing terribly useful. (See: lots of comics read.)
I suspect there's something deeper-seated going on here -- I'm fairly sure of *what* is going on, but not precisely *why*. There are several plausible theories that I'm finding here -- none terribly rational, but I don't think I'm dealing with a rational response in this case. When I poke at the back of my head, I'm finding a certain sense that I'm *supposed* to be running away from all of the stress in my life; that may well be a holdover from the *serious* depression I dealt with last year, which I'm mostly but not 100% past. And I think there's some fear of getting things done properly, and thereby opening myself up to fair criticism of the problems with those things -- if everything is *really* messed up due to procrastination, then that effect can be blamed for any problems. (Both of those hypotheses might be rubbish, but they feel annoyingly plausible when I try to shine a spotlight down on my subconscious.)
Much to ruminate on. Slacking off is *not* the solution; frankly, it's the problem here. I'm doing quite a good job of slacking, and it's hurting my self-esteem. Time to do something about that...