from a "professional" (that is, clinically diagnosed) depressive, a few notes, and some sympathy, if you want any (I often don't, when depressed):
The tiredness may seem natural but is in fact a side-effect of the depression, in all likelihood. It's a side-effect of the "not caring" bug, which is vicious indeed. I find when I'm doing something interesting my fatigue goes away, but finding things that are interesting gets harder and harder.
Snippiness is normal, and don't get too down on yourself for being unable to control it.
If you can keep up the exercise, great!
Depression, for me, causes my emotions to rise to the fore, and so I put up an unemotionless mask to avoid feeling them. It sounds like you might be doing the same thing; and since emotions color our perspective, it's a vicious cycle making the world seem grim in response. Likewise, because emotions run so close to the surface, moods get very mercurial, leading to the "she smiled - I'm happy! but now she turned away - oh god. Why does life go on for so long" situations you describe above.
Dwelling on the little things is (for me) a clear sign I'm slipping into depression. I start worrying about The Big Questions (what are we doing here, what's it all mean, why, etc.) far too much, to the exclusion of all else. I get mildly compulsive. Your comments seems to indicate much the same thing.
Now the hard part: depression, if it is really depression and not just "feeling blue" for a while, is for many people a chemical thing. It's uncontrollable, just like, say, narcolepsy or raging psychosis. We get tricked into thinking "if we just tried harder we could feel better!", but ask anyone who's been on psychoactive drugs, and they'll tell you how illusory the control over one's mood really is. Drugs work, when combined with mild behavioral modification. (If you've heard this before, sorry...)
See a professional. Have someone assess you. Don't be silly (like, say, me) and waste a season or six figuring out, "Hey, this might be some sort of depression or something". And do it on a day when you have the strength/inclination, or you might risk not feeling like doing it later, and that's a circular pit of blah waiting to happen...
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Date: 2003-05-22 12:26 pm (UTC)The tiredness may seem natural but is in fact a side-effect of the depression, in all likelihood. It's a side-effect of the "not caring" bug, which is vicious indeed. I find when I'm doing something interesting my fatigue goes away, but finding things that are interesting gets harder and harder.
Snippiness is normal, and don't get too down on yourself for being unable to control it.
If you can keep up the exercise, great!
Depression, for me, causes my emotions to rise to the fore, and so I put up an unemotionless mask to avoid feeling them. It sounds like you might be doing the same thing; and since emotions color our perspective, it's a vicious cycle making the world seem grim in response. Likewise, because emotions run so close to the surface, moods get very mercurial, leading to the "she smiled - I'm happy! but now she turned away - oh god. Why does life go on for so long" situations you describe above.
Dwelling on the little things is (for me) a clear sign I'm slipping into depression. I start worrying about The Big Questions (what are we doing here, what's it all mean, why, etc.) far too much, to the exclusion of all else. I get mildly compulsive. Your comments seems to indicate much the same thing.
Now the hard part: depression, if it is really depression and not just "feeling blue" for a while, is for many people a chemical thing. It's uncontrollable, just like, say, narcolepsy or raging psychosis. We get tricked into thinking "if we just tried harder we could feel better!", but ask anyone who's been on psychoactive drugs, and they'll tell you how illusory the control over one's mood really is. Drugs work, when combined with mild behavioral modification. (If you've heard this before, sorry...)
See a professional. Have someone assess you. Don't be silly (like, say, me) and waste a season or six figuring out, "Hey, this might be some sort of depression or something". And do it on a day when you have the strength/inclination, or you might risk not feeling like doing it later, and that's a circular pit of blah waiting to happen...
So, hang in there!
TMH