IM Ettiquette

[jducoeur]

Okay, here's an odd opinion question that I toss out to the masses. When you're in an IM conversation with someone, what do you perceive as your responsibility to keep up your end of the conversation? In particular, do you have a responsibility to conclusively end it?

This came to mind because I was chatting with my father a few minutes ago. I'd let the conversation die off some time ago, but after about ten minutes he popped back solely for the purpose of saying "bye". On the one hand, I can understand that, but it's a rather telephone-like approach, which struck me as unnecessary for IM. I've found it most natural to let many IM chats simply trail off. Not always: when I'm in a genuinely animated conversation with someone, I treat it like a F2F talk and end it properly. But when it's just an occasional back-and-forth with sporadic messages (the most common case), I often just sort of let it drop without ever explicitly ending it.

So I'm curious: how do you handle IM ettiquette? Do you think it's always appropriate/required to tell the person at the other end of the line when you have to dash off? Sometimes? Never? I fall into the "sometimes" category, but I have no idea whether that's common or not...

Comments

[asdr83.livejournal.com]

I say bye to people when i'm leaving to let them know (not 100% of the time but like 90%, especially with family) mostly I do it cause i hate when i think of something 20 minutes after a conversation has trailed off and go to tell the person and they have disappeared on me. It doesn't happen as much now that AIM does it's really annoying update you on everyone's status thing, but it's habit for me. Not really sure what the right etiquette is though, would be interesting to mail it in as a question to Miss Manners.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

A friend of suppressingfire wrote up The IM Contract. It makes explicit some rules that would be very odd in FTF communication, but make sense for the peripheral-contact of IM. I mostly follow it, but sometimes feel I am being rude to do so. Basically, it depends on the person I'm talking to.

The IM Contract

IMer is a person sending a message.
IMee is a person receiving a message.

1. The IMer should feel free to send a message any time the IMee is signed on.
2. The IMee should feel free to respond or not respond to any message without requiring a reason for either action.
3. The IMee is not required to post an "Away" message, even if the IMee is, indeed, away.
4. If the IMee is not the person who normally uses or owns the IM name, they must identify themselves to the IMer
5. The IMer shall not be offended if the IMee chooses not to respond, persuant to point 2.
6 Either the IMee or the IMer shall reserve the right to end any conversation at any time by simply not sending any more messages. The other party shall assume there is sufficient cause for such cessation of conversation, although no reason is required, nor shall an explanation be expected by the other party.
7. It is ok for the entire interaction between IMer and IMee to consist of:
IMer: hey
IMee: hey
This is equivalent to a slightly friendlier version of the "Acknowledge, Acknowledge" nod in a corporate hallway.
8. The IMer may send links, text, or questions the IMee might find interesting.
9. The IMee, pursuant to point 2, may or may not explore links, text, or questions further.
10. The use of "?" by the IMee is the universal symbol for "What the fuck are you talking about?" and should be responded to if further discussion is expected. However, the IMer (now also an IMee), may feel free to ignore the inquiry pursuant to point 2.
11. An IMer shall not assume that an IMee will receive a message (non-assured delivery).
12. An IMee may close a window at any time for any reason, and as such IM conversational context shall not be considered persistent.

Andrew B McCullough (andyfsu99) Oct 2002

It's interesting that an extension to GAIM lets you see the last conversation you had with someone, making #12 a little less vicious.

[mikekn]

For me it all depends on who starts the conversation. Most of the IM conversations that I start have a purpose (asking a question, or letting someone know about something). In those cases I tend to say my bit and then sign off ("see ya!" or whatever) if nothing else is needed. When folks IM me, I let them take the lead and will let the conversation die off without a sign off.

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

It is not necessary, but it courteous to let the other person know that they may focus attention elsewhere. So I do it.

On the other hand, I had a co-worker who constantly interrupted me with IM's to send all kinds of non-acknowledgement worthy messages. And that was annoying. Is "bye" one of those, or not? I think not.

My internal etiquette says that a person is important enough to interrupt your work for, even if it is for long enough to say "can't talk now". IM messages are people, not just interruptions. Given that I have email as an adjunct form of communication for "hey, whenever you want to put eyeballs on this, do so", IM messages become more urgent.

And if I want to treat them as urgent communications, I feel it is polite to the other person to end the communication if it has gone back and forth for a while.

All of this being my unique opinion, and my definitions of courtesy, of course.

[umbran.livejournal.com]

It depends.

If the conversation is going fast and furious, I'll tend to note when I expect to be away from the keyboard. If it is a very slow conversation, I will tend to let it trail off.

[doubleplus.livejournal.com]

For me, it depends entirely on the age and experience of the person, and the general flow of the conversation. My parents don't IM, but if they did, I'd probably always say "bye." If it's a real conversation, rather than just a message or two followed by a "hey, cool" reply, then I'll usually sign off. On the other hand, if the conversation has gone quiet for a while, then I'd probably be embarassed to start it up again just to say goodbye. So I guess I pretty much agree with you.

The one indication I wish IM provided is whether the other person has closed the IM window. While I sometimes keep windows open to refer to or to cut-and-paste from, that would usually be the best indication that I think the conversation is over.

[elizabear.livejournal.com]

Depends on who I'm talking to. If it's dsrtao, I will leave the window open most of the day, and we'll catch each other or not as we're around. Mostly, we're popping notes and quick questions or reminders, so it's off and on all day.

On the other hand, I hate it when people just wander off when we're messaging at a fairly active pace (like at least once per minute). For my part, if I'm in the middle of an active conversation, I will always tell someone when I've got to disappear because the baby woke up.

[hakamadare.livejournal.com]

hm. i find that it tends to gall me somewhat when the other party to the conversation just stops responding, but doesn't close the window. this feeling is intensified when the other party was the one who initiated the conversation.

i tend to feel that so long as an IM window is open, it is incumbent upon both parties to give it a fairly large slice of their attention, and thus when one party is no longer willing or able to pay attention to the conversation, the courteous choice is to signal this fact by closing the window.

-steve

[tashabear.livejournal.com]

My mother signs her emails "Mom", and puts in a greeting as if it was a written letter. If she IM'd, I'm sure she'd say bye as if it were a phone call.

I do find it polite to tell someone I've been actively chatting with that I'm going to bed or otherwise signing off, but if we haven't interacted for a while, I'll just close everything out.

[doubleplus.livejournal.com]

Different people definitely have different expectations. The fifteen-year-old daughter of a friend of mine lectured me about being terribly formal because I used capitalization and punctuation in my IMs. :-)

[mindways]

(Context: I use IMing at work, with my co-workers, one of whom is in Washington state - IMing, and email are our primary lines of communication. Our weekly status meetings are held over IM, most often; it proves more efficient & understandable than a conference call, and has the benefit of logs.)

Like many others: it depends. If the other person has a reasonable expectation that I'll be there (generally because we've been back-and-forthing recently, or because it's a status meeting that I'm supposed to be on) then I'll generally let others know when I'm away. And if I'm pinged on something that's a blocking factor for one of my co-workers ("Anyone mind if I reboot the testbed machine?") I'll make sure to answer promptly if I'm able.

But otherwise, conversations will trail off into nothingness, and IMs may be ignored if the person needs to keep their headspace on a problem. (Though in practice, this generally ends up being "briefly ask the other person if they can chat later" rather than "ignore completely").

hmmm..

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

I'd say that if nothing has been said by either party for 15 minutes or more... I figure the conversation is pretty over and don't make as much of an effort to say 'bye' (but I still might anyways, just to give them the chance to say any last words if they have any)

On the other hand, I have one friend who consistently will simply log off with no indication he's about to do so in the middle of an active back-and-forth conversation and that pisses me off no end. (but... I've accepted that this isn't going to change) so he'll often get an email from me quoting the last thing he said and 'wrapping things up' since I didn't get the opportunity to do so or to choose to do so.

IM's

[alishaann.livejournal.com]

I agree with most of what everyone else has said. . . If its an active conversation and you dont want to offend your friends its usualy better to say bye or BBL just to let them know that your not ignoring them on purpose its also OK to not respond to every IM all the time some things may not warent a comment, or sometimes you may be to buzy to give the IMer your full attention usualy its better to just send them a BUZZY message. However if you chated with somone a while ago your not really expected to say goodbye just becouse your friends list says there still on the comp.
Again though I dont even think MS manners would have the "Corect" answer to this question becouse computers and computer ethics is still a relitivly new thing. . .
Just my oppinon for what its worth
ALISHA