The benefits of well-managed anger
Jul. 26th, 2005 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jducoeurThere are times that I really envy my old boss Tom. He had some occasional anger issues -- you could rely on him, once in a while, getting totally ripped about something, going red as a beet, yelling, the whole nine yards. But it was always brief: he'd be completely ripshit for about five minutes, then it would pass. He rarely seemed to be bothered by the matter at hand afterwards; he'd made his point, and moved on.
I, on the other hand, have a tendency to be at just the opposite end of the spectrum. I eat my negative emotions. I despise emotional confrontations, and manage them *very* badly. Sometimes I'll go into brain freeze; often I'll simply run away from the topic at hand, which I have painfully found sometimes just makes things worse. On the occasions I do get genuinely angry, I usually get wholly irrational, and make things *much* worse. So I tend to just swallow the confrontation instead.
The problem, of course, is that I wind up internalizing it quite badly. Instead of getting past it, I'll usually wind up in a bad mood for days, even weeks afterward. I begin to dwell on the argument, which is always the worst possible course of action, because it makes me progressively more miserable -- it's pretty clearly central to the depression I've been fighting. Since I never get any resolution to those emotions, they fester, and only heal slowly.
*Sigh*. It's really maddening. I'm good at holding my own in almost any intellectual debate if I care to try, but I am *so* bad at emotional arguments. Need to find some appropriate techniques to deal with that...
I, on the other hand, have a tendency to be at just the opposite end of the spectrum. I eat my negative emotions. I despise emotional confrontations, and manage them *very* badly. Sometimes I'll go into brain freeze; often I'll simply run away from the topic at hand, which I have painfully found sometimes just makes things worse. On the occasions I do get genuinely angry, I usually get wholly irrational, and make things *much* worse. So I tend to just swallow the confrontation instead.
The problem, of course, is that I wind up internalizing it quite badly. Instead of getting past it, I'll usually wind up in a bad mood for days, even weeks afterward. I begin to dwell on the argument, which is always the worst possible course of action, because it makes me progressively more miserable -- it's pretty clearly central to the depression I've been fighting. Since I never get any resolution to those emotions, they fester, and only heal slowly.
*Sigh*. It's really maddening. I'm good at holding my own in almost any intellectual debate if I care to try, but I am *so* bad at emotional arguments. Need to find some appropriate techniques to deal with that...
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 02:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 03:13 pm (UTC)But I have the same problems - you are not alone. My mother claims it's a family thing - the whole British side of the family is like this. The Irish side gets mad, gets drunk, and yells at one another. Then they get drunker and make friends again. Granted, they are alcoholics, but they seem to get along.
The hardest thing is always dealing with someone who is just the opposite. I end up resenting their easy anger, and easy cool-down, and they don't get that my lack of expression is still anger.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 03:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 04:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 05:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 05:55 pm (UTC)Then you end up having to lie to them like everyone else so you seem normal.
I have many of the same problems as Mark/Justin, but the idea of a shrinky dink would not help me. Perhaps he would not have as much a problem with it or knows an eccentric perrson friendly one.
What would be more helpful are things they perhaps told you that are general wnough for other people to use. For example, when A happens and you get relaly mad and start to B then what to they recommened that HAS helped you?
I like the idea of Miss Piggy myself.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 05:58 pm (UTC)The essence of therapy is to tell the truth, and listen to what you are told, and give it fair hearing. I've started therapy sessions with "I thought about what you said last week, and it's mostly crap." :-) (As a patient, but on re-reading I suppose it could sound like I was the therapist.) :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 06:14 pm (UTC)As far as the Wicca, SCi fi and the SCA stuff, I know from other people and my experience that there are too many therapists out there who feel that anything out of the oridinary MUST be the root of all th problems, whether it is or not. And hence once you stop liking that or doing that thenyou will be fine. PFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
Not saying Mark couldnt find a nice one or it wouldnt help him, but I still feel that actual things that helped YOU is more helpful. Well not just YOU you but you in general.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:03 pm (UTC)Mark, check out how you started your last paragraph: "*Sigh*. It's really maddening." Says something, doesn't it?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:44 pm (UTC)And yes, I agree with your realization -- intellectually. *Convincing* myself of that will take a bit of work. But no one said this would be quick and simple...
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:54 pm (UTC)I had to shift from needing THEM to know I won, to needing ME to know what matters to me. And giving a-holes free space in my head so I can take home their insults or grievances and beat myself over them for free - that was giving them victories.
Just think of them as the 4 year old with a temper that they are. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 10:50 pm (UTC)It's when I get into an emotional situation with someone I care about and/or respect that it gets under my skin, especially when the argument has some basis in reality. In those cases, simply blowing the person off usually isn't appropriate. The best course of action would seem to be to disengage a bit, not take it *too* personally, and (if possible) turn the argument towards more productive grounds. But I find that curiously difficult under that particular circumstance, despite being good at it in most *other* circumstances...
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:50 pm (UTC)How to help people like Mark and i not obcess or internalize is the issue. We KNOW its unhelpful. Its just HOW to stop it. And no its not just a case of saying... Well I just wont do that today.
IT dont work!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:56 pm (UTC)I became almost selfish in my focus on how conflict affected me. "You, ma'am, aren't worth dying for/having stress for/hiccuping for" was really what it took.
And it turns out, people admire a person with actual priorities. We think folks that fight for no reason, or insufficient reason, or too much or too long, are nuts. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 08:01 pm (UTC);-D
I am the queen of the lost cause and the why do I bother!
IVe tried what worked for you, and it did not work for me.. But that is the brillience of suggestion cause it might work for someone else less....stubborn/ hardheaded /volitle/ redheaded-scorpio then me.
But then I admit I am a tough case! ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 08:03 pm (UTC)Part of what helped work for me, was being diagnosed with serious heart disease, and for some time being in a situation where getting angry would give me chest pains. Nice, simple, behavioral conditioning - get angry, have pain.
Like I said, I am rather atypical. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 08:20 am (UTC)Even though I know it would be of no use to me, I know it would be of some use to someone else, and is of hence a great service.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 08:04 pm (UTC)Learning that I had to not get angry was basic and simple. Learning to still be myself, and to respect who I was as a result, was the harder and more interesting work. In that sense, I think my personal lesson has a slightly broader value; that I can be less combative, and be even more respectable.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:54 pm (UTC)Makes a big difference in things like that.
Same kind of reason you guys can research and bcome hats and laurels and maunches real easy because you live in a town with six bazillion universities and museums and book stores and such as that.
While I am not the proverbial sticks, compared to Boston and satellites... its the sticks... but i can see real wildlife on occassion that isnt a pigeon or a rat! ;-D
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 12:58 pm (UTC)That's one of the most offensive and ignorant things I've heard in a logn time. It's a measure of the gentility of those who read Justin's journal that I'm the first person to comment on it.
It's not real easy to become a peer (or achieve an SCA award), no matter where you are. To say so is disrespectful to anyone who's ever gotten one.
I don't expect you to apologize -- or even understand what I'm talking about (no doubt this will just be naother instance of 'mean ol' Yevsha picking on me'), but I can hold it hope.
Wellit wasnt my point but since you want to drag it down, Im not afraid of you.
Date: 2005-07-27 05:23 pm (UTC)My point was to say that he had a lot more resources availible for manya thing being where he was, but I dont expect you to take it any other way or to understand where I (or many people up here) might come from either.
I will admit I understated what it takes become a peer, and did not mean it was like going to the store and getting sliced bread... but even you have to admit it is a lot easier when you have those wonderful research componants that it takes either in the way of knowledged contacts or research facilites. Well Boston has a crudload of both. Which is lucky for you. And I never said it wasnt. IN fact I am jealous on occassion, in a good way, cause its nice knowing there ARE such things around.
You want to learn just about anything on anything and you guys have quite a bit at your dispaosal within easy reach. And this not only comes from me but was also stated by some of your fellow residents down there as well. So dont just jump down my throat in your self rightousness because I am conveniant , although I think you have a lot of fun with it. Im just not afraid to say it out loud. You are no better then me in that aspect sir.
Not that I really care what you think anymore, but this is also info (how great and easy it could be if we were more like you guys) given to our populace by our Baron in his big push to get people up here to become peers, so dont just rag on me. PErhaps you dont realize the fervor he had originally used in trying to push it, in which he pissed off maya person. In fact I dont think he realized it.
So forgive me, well dont forgive me becasue I dont feel the need to have your forgiveness, if many of us and not just me are tired of the snobbishness.
Besides that, MArk is a big boy, and he is more then capable of patting me on the head and sitting me down if he wants. He knows I speak my mind, unfortunatly sometimes, but he has known me for 21 years and he knows that and knows I dont mean anything bad from it.
Re: Wellit wasnt my point but since you want to drag it down, Im not afraid of you.
Date: 2005-07-27 07:51 pm (UTC)So forgive me, well dont forgive me becasue I dont feel the need to have your forgiveness, if many of us and not just me are tired of the snobbishness.
I'm not sure who "us" is, or what snobbishness you're referring to. My guess is that what you perceive as "snobbishness" many people around you perceive as encouragement.
It's mine own fault. I should have remembered that communications between Earth and whatever planet you live on get garbled.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:32 pm (UTC)It's not clear that the advice generalizes well, though. After about four sessions of me describing my life in gory detail, she began to make a number of fairly specific and pointed observations about what she was seeing, and broad suggestions of coping techniques. All of them seem to be pretty sound and accurate, but most of them are somewhat particular to my situation.
The few that aren't are the common-sensical ones that I've heard from a number of people: get more exercise, find ways to blow out the stress (she's about the tenth person to tell me that I *really* ought to be checking out yoga, so that's inching up my priority list), address my sleep disorder. No real surprises, although having them confirmed in conjunction with the more specific issues is useful...
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:48 pm (UTC)I just have this thing thatmakes me twitch when I hear the standard " just go see a therapist and everything will be well." Not htat this is what the original poster said, but boy do I hear that bandied about all the time.
I know that I personally could never give it antoher chance again. I am too much to my own detriment the fool me once type.
It is amazing how the common sense ones are the easist to do, and yet the hardest. I ahvent been able to get back to the gym in almost two years now. IM very sad. its the catch 22 of knowing it will help, but Im too tired, even though if I know I somehow was able to muddle through for a month I would probably have more enenrgy. I just dont have the stanima or enenrgy to get more energy.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 10:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 08:17 am (UTC)I know they do help some people, and IMO that is good. I jut KNOW they cant help me, and I hate being badgered as if it is the end all be all.
I am extremely glad they were able to help Mr Goldsquare, nd perhaps help Mark, but just hte whole idea that you HAVE to see one and it will help... Well I hear that too many times in too many places and it just strikes a bad chord.
For example I found it much more informative and helpful (even if I know i wouldnt help me but I know it might help others) when he told some of the things he actually DID vs just going to see a therapist.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 05:14 pm (UTC)Sure, nobody likes being badgered! And there's lots of things therapy can't help with. As my mom was fond of saying, "If you take a broken arm to a therapist, at best they might make you feel happy about having a broken arm -- they can't heal the arm!"
Why do people keep badgering you to see a therapist? Is it that you're looking for help and they're trying to be helpful, or are these people dissing you, telling you they think something is wrong with you?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 05:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 05:33 pm (UTC)The way therapy is supposed to work is to help someone acheive their own goals; when they come in with goals that were basically imposed on them by someone else, that usually doesn't work so well. (You know the therapist lightbulb joke? "Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.")
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 05:53 pm (UTC)And while I know I need change/help in some, if not many aspects ( I have manyof the same issues as Mark, but mine go further as I do tend to blurt out more then bite tounge) I myself cant see myself sitting down and talking to a therapist. But then I am not the most open and trusting person either.
And on that front I would never deny that they have helped some people either.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-27 08:56 pm (UTC)This means I have a relationship with my therapist which is, I gather, non-typical. It's more like I'm consulting with her, rather than the standard doctor/patient dynamic. I lead all sessions, they go where I feel the need for them to go. I think of it as more like the relationship between a spotter and an athlete doing a balance beam routine. I'm the one doing the work, up there on the balance beam, and their job is to spot me. It's much more that she's doing a job for me than that she does stuff to me.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-01 01:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-08-01 01:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 05:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 06:31 pm (UTC)If I can find
my(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-26 07:45 pm (UTC)