The Disadvantage of Thinking Too Much

[jducoeur]

Interesting. As I muse on the anger issues I mentioned yesterday, one thing becomes quite clear: part of the problem arises from what is normally a strength of mine.

I tend to think things through a lot. While I've learned to cope with -- indeed, even enjoy -- spontaneous situations, I don't tend to encourage them. When I expect something to happen, I think it through repeatedly. I ponder what problems might occur, and how to deal with them best. Most relevantly, I think about what other people might say, and how to respond to them.

The problem is, much of this musing is utterly pointless: I think through many interactions that never really occur. Indeed, in most of these cases, no conversation even remotely like what I've imagined happens. People are simply not as predictable as events, and conversations too chaotic.

Meanwhile, though, I will often work myself into a positive frenzy over bad interactions that never happen. In many cases, I can actually make myself a shade paranoid, simply because of thinking about the despicable things that someone might (but usually doesn't) say. These mental arguments tend to get far more heated than any real ones do, and tend to bring my blood pressure up, entirely without good reason.

I'm pretty sure I understand why I do this: it's a fairly natural reaction to "what I shoulda said was...". But on balance, it seems to have much more negative effect than positive -- I'm rarely correct in my fevered imaginings, and it's just plain unhealthy to send myself into fight-or-flight mode with no good reason.

So, something to work on. It isn't easy: not thinking along these lines is very much like not thinking about the proverbial elephant once it's been mentioned. But one can't effect mental change without working on the mental discipline. I need to trust myself a bit more, and focus on responding well to events as they occur, rather than trying to control them in advance.

(I must admit, the more I think about the mental disciplines I'm looking for, the more I suspect I need to delve more into Buddhism. I know just enough to know that there are some forms of it that match my worldview fairly well, and the mental goals are mostly ones I find admirable. A long-term research project...)

Comments

[hfcougar.livejournal.com]

So I'm not the only person that does this. Perhaps I can deduct an insanity point now...

I wouldn't say I ever get into fight-or-flight mode over my inaginary interactions, and I don't know that they've ever negatively influenced my "real" interactions, but I definitely spend a lot of time having conversations that are only real in my head.

just to make you all feel a little more sane

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

Came back to work from an errand I did on my lunch break.

Co-worker says, "Hey, Alice... I saw you walking somewhere just now." *pause* "You _do_ know there wasn't anyone with you, right?"



Another time, my boyfriend had the day off and we'd had lunch at my house on my break. He's driving me back to work and notices me mumbling to myself. He casually asks, "Who ya talking to, hun?"

At first I tried to see if I could get away with "Oh, just myself...." Doesn't fly, he knew me well enough by then to have noticed I very rarely talk to _myself_ so much as rehearse conversations. Recognizing the amused look on his face I say "Oh all right... I saw an email from Matt just before we left."

He laughs. "Hun, I certainly don't mind if you talk to your friends. However when they aren't here and I _am_, there are some who would see that as a bit rude." (not like he actually was offended so much as amused at the idea. That's one nice thing about Dan. As far as he's concerned, social expectations are something that happens to other people.)

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

I think through many interactions that never really occur. Indeed, in most of these cases, no conversation even remotely like what I've imagined happens.

Doesn't everyone do that?

In terms of philosophy, I commend to your attention The Tao is Silent, by Raymond Smullyan. It's an intro to / appreciation of Taoism, by a professional logician and puzzle-smith.

[siderea]

Doesn't everyone do that?

Imagine/rehearse interactions in advance? I do it. My sweetie does it. I think it's an Introvert thing.

As far as those imaginary conversations not being anything like real ones: not in my case. I tend not to "rehearse" in cases where I really don't know how someone will react; I rehearse when it's someone I know well enough to anticipate. I may be odd in that combination. While the imagined interaction may not go exactly as the real one, it tends not to be too off the mark, unless something really weird has happened.

I "rehearse" (to be clear, I mean in a pre-conscious, automatic, non-deliberate and somewhat obsessive fashion) when I'm going to have to confront someone about something, especially when I anticipate they are going to fight me on something, for instance, when I'm going to try to set a limit ("Stop doing that") and I expect them to try to blow me off.



[mindways]

I think it's an Introvert thing.

...perhaps. I also do it, and while I'm not a wild extrovert, I'm solidly on that side.

My imaginary interactions are often confrontations, as well, though generally they're very unlikely ones. (ex: I've been framed for murder. I'm on the witness stand.)

I know other folks who do this sort of thing too. (The more general case; not specifically like me.) While I wouldn't go so far as to say everyone does it, I get the impression that it's common, at least among the sorts of people I know - though details of how often, what sorts of interactions, how they process it, what (if anything) they get out of it, etc seem to vary by person.

[mindways]

...what (if anything) they get out of it, etc seem to vary by person.

Forgot to include "emotional reaction" and "type of postulation" in that list, too.

[cellio]

I do this too, particularly in cases where I anticipate having to choose my words very carefully, such as initiating a confrontation. I manage somehow to keep separate the mental scenarios and reality, so I don't find myself getting upset about things that never happened, but I don't know how I do that exactly, so I have no advice to offer.

The scenario-analysis process sometimes has unpredicted (by others) consequences. Someone once noticed how quickly I composed a carefully-written piece of email with a lot of potential land mines. What she saw was me typing rapidly and that the resulting message was well-written. What she didn't see was the process of mentally composing that message that had taken place during the commute or in the shower or whenever. The same thing sometimes lets me write LJ posts very quickly, e.g. just after getting to work -- it's not that I spent 20 minutes at work writing, but that I mentally noodled for 20 minutes in the car and then just wrote it down in 3 minutes.

[jducoeur]

The same thing sometimes lets me write LJ posts very quickly, e.g. just after getting to work -- it's not that I spent 20 minutes at work writing, but that I mentally noodled for 20 minutes in the car and then just wrote it down in 3 minutes.

Yes, I've been known to do the same thing from time to time. (I occasionally annoy the heck out of msmemory, by needing to run inside and type madly as soon as we get home.) In particular, if a message is on a complex subject, I will frequently mull it for several hours, even several days before beginning to type. The message at the head of this topical thread was an extreme example of that: I sat on it for about a week before writing it down.

I actually program in much the same way. I'll often do all of the design work for a module in my head, then just sit down and blast the whole thing into code. Intimidates the heck out of some people, when they watch me programming bug-free code as fast as I can type (and I type pretty fast when I'm on a roll). But of course, that's after I've already spent the morning writing and debugging it mentally...

[jducoeur]

I tend not to "rehearse" in cases where I really don't know how someone will react; I rehearse when it's someone I know well enough to anticipate.

I've never filtered that carefully -- I do the mental-rehearsal thing in a number of cases where I really don't know the person well enough to anticipate them that well.

Moreover, I'm not terribly good at reining in my imagination when I'm angry. Hence, the imaginary conversation often veers off in directions that I *rationally* know are preposterous.

Again, there's an issue of mental discipline here. The rehearsal thing isn't bad in and of itself. But when unchecked, it can become far more trouble than it's worth...

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

Essentially, you role-play a conflict before going into the real thing? That seems like a really useful thing. We're learning to do that at MTI, and it's a somewhat new experience for me. hakamadare seems to be much more familiar with the concept, though. We get into trouble when he starts anticipating only the worst possible outcomes, and then is upset because either they happen or he's anticipating that they will happen -- either way, it's unhappy.

[jducoeur]

Essentially, you role-play a conflict before going into the real thing?

Yes, I've always tended to do this -- and am coming to realize in the course of this conversation that it's a more common coping technique than I'd realized.

The anticipate-the-worst thing is a fair part of the problem I'm encountering: I wind up getting pissed off about conversations that never actually happen. My one saving grace is that I'm pretty good about understanding intellectually how unlikely the worst outcomes really are. Doesn't stop me from getting unreasonably worked up over them, though...