Observations From Inside

[jducoeur]

For much of the past week, I've been wrestling with as black a depression as I've ever dealt with. (Don't ask; some subjects cross the line between blog and diary.) But there is one small benefit of my nature as a fairly average INTJ: I always have that little voice in the back of my head, more or less dispassionately analyzing everything I feel and do. Expressing that helps at least a bit, so here are some random thoughts.

Observation: I am very, very tired, but I haven't yet figured out if that's an effect of the depression, or if my perpetual state of mild sleep-dep is exacerbating my mood. The desire to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just ignore the world is quite strong. This is distinctly unnatural for me: I'm not exactly a nap kinda guy. In the meantime, it's remarkably difficult to focus on productive work, because I can't care enough about what I'm doing. It's almost fortunate that we're prepping for our first "beta" (read: "alpha") release -- it's much easier to motivate to deal with the little crises that arise late in the ship cycle.

Observation: That said, I'm getting very annoyed with myself at how snippy I'm getting, especially at work. Intellectually I can see that I'm downright crabby, but it's hard to stop doing it.

Observation: Exercise really does help, at least a little. I'm not sure whether that's a matter of endorphins, satisfaction at pushing the Nautilus just a little higher, or simply a useful distraction.

Observation: I suspect that I'm coming across as relatively affectless much of the time, simply from how my face feels -- I just don't have the energy to be expressive, which is also very unusual for me. However, it's also being driven by a constant low-level sensation that I'm about to cry if I allow myself to be expressive. My usually tight grip on my emotions has gone thoroughly haywire.

Observation: I think too much. Or at least, that's much of the underlying cause here. If I could let things slide more easily, I wouldn't be having nearly so much trouble.

Observation: I dwell too much. I have a strong tendency to try to think things through, and figure out what's likely to happen and how I can make things as good and right as I can. But at the moment, that's making me play scenarios over and over, in obsessive little cycles that don't accomplish much.

That dispassionate little voice assures me that it'll get better eventually. I have a strong, deep-seated belief that things work out right in the end. But that's not providing much comfort today. In the meantime, I observe that the little things make a remarkably big difference. A hug or a sincere smile, even from a stranger, has a powerful ability to cheer me up briefly. Have to remember that for the future, to pass some on when the smiles are more within my ability...

Comments

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

from a "professional" (that is, clinically diagnosed) depressive, a few notes, and some sympathy, if you want any (I often don't, when depressed):

The tiredness may seem natural but is in fact a side-effect of the depression, in all likelihood. It's a side-effect of the "not caring" bug, which is vicious indeed. I find when I'm doing something interesting my fatigue goes away, but finding things that are interesting gets harder and harder.

Snippiness is normal, and don't get too down on yourself for being unable to control it.

If you can keep up the exercise, great!

Depression, for me, causes my emotions to rise to the fore, and so I put up an unemotionless mask to avoid feeling them. It sounds like you might be doing the same thing; and since emotions color our perspective, it's a vicious cycle making the world seem grim in response. Likewise, because emotions run so close to the surface, moods get very mercurial, leading to the "she smiled - I'm happy! but now she turned away - oh god. Why does life go on for so long" situations you describe above.

Dwelling on the little things is (for me) a clear sign I'm slipping into depression. I start worrying about The Big Questions (what are we doing here, what's it all mean, why, etc.) far too much, to the exclusion of all else. I get mildly compulsive. Your comments seems to indicate much the same thing.

Now the hard part: depression, if it is really depression and not just "feeling blue" for a while, is for many people a chemical thing. It's uncontrollable, just like, say, narcolepsy or raging psychosis. We get tricked into thinking "if we just tried harder we could feel better!", but ask anyone who's been on psychoactive drugs, and they'll tell you how illusory the control over one's mood really is. Drugs work, when combined with mild behavioral modification. (If you've heard this before, sorry...)

See a professional. Have someone assess you. Don't be silly (like, say, me) and waste a season or six figuring out, "Hey, this might be some sort of depression or something". And do it on a day when you have the strength/inclination, or you might risk not feeling like doing it later, and that's a circular pit of blah waiting to happen...

So, hang in there!

TMH

[tangerinpenguin.livejournal.com]

My, this sounds familiar - especially the instinctive analysis in the background and the tendency to "think too much".

Tiredness may be a side effect of the depression, but in my own experience sustained sleep dep has a really big effect on my sense that things matter and my ability to focus. Which in turn becomes a vicious cycle as I start late-night infojunkying. Intentionally breaking that cycle is one of the few "mechanical" steps I can take that I've found predictably helps.

I've also seen exercise do very good things for my mood; I think it is the endorphins, but as long as it works I'll take what I can get.

Any sense for differences in light levels, background sound, or diet? Those are three variables I've been getting uncertain results playing with that I've seen other people cite.

[jducoeur]

Historically, light levels make very little difference for me. Background sound typically only bothers me when I'm trying to sleep -- a couple of years in pit environments has mostly inured me to it.

I've been observing some slight effects of my blood sugar, but that's anecdotal and inconsistent: it clearly doesn't have any reliable effect on my mood either way.

[redsquirrel.livejournal.com]

Sounds a lot like clinical depression to me. Yes, you will probably get over it eventually, one way or another. It is a very treatable condition these days, but a lot of people don't or won't seek help for it, figuring they'll get better on their own. I hope you are getting support and encouragement to find the help you need. I'm adding my voice! :-)

Just in case you are one of those people who feel they should be able to "get over it by yourself" I would like to point out that, prior to antibiotics, a lot of people did eventually get over bacterial pneumonia or bronchitis on their own, with only palliative care. However antibiotics certainly speed up the healing process and cut down on the associated suffering! Something to consider.

I'm giving you a very rational sort of analytical push above, to match your post, but truly, I am concerned that you are in such a black place. I just want to let you know that there is one more person who is thinking about you and sending you positive energy to get through this bad time. *smiles and gentle hugs*
Jocetta

[jducoeur]

Thanks. I'm doing a good deal better today, after doing something about the underlying cause yesterday, so I think this particular instance really has been more purely psychological than chemical. But it certainly wasn't a pleasant experience, and has given me food for thought about when to look for help, and of what sort...